Every morning when I wake up and walk into the living room my turtle goes nuts. It’s got the brain the size of your thumbnail but it’s managed to learn one thing over the years. When the big blob walks into the room after it’s done being dark there’s going to be food raining from the sky. So every morning I walk out of the bedroom and the turtle becomes a violent arm flapping mess. If I didn’t know better I would think the filter had somehow shorted out and was electrocuting her to death. Oddly enough if something like that did happen my wife would have the same reaction as the turtle does in the morning. She’s not a fan of the turtle is my point, circle of life really.

Why am I tell you about this? Well recently it’s become apparent to me that I’m not much smarter then the turtle really. You see every night when the Mrs. BeerandJoe and I sit down to watch TV it’s inevitable that we’ll end up watching some crappy sitcom about a husband who pisses off his wife by doing some god awful stupid thing. Like going to a tractor pull on his anniversary by mistake or something. Men sure are dumb huh? As soon as he’s in the doghouse he won’t know what to do so he sits down his chums to discuss his trouble over a few beers. That’s where little turtle Joey perks up. The moment I see a beer on TV I go into a fit and need one in my hand immediately. My wife doesn’t even have to ask anymore. The moment someone is drinking a beer she looks at me and seeing the gears going in my head. The thought process goes something like this:

1. Hum, those guys are drinking beer
2. Wait a second, I like beer… a lot!
3. Hold on! I think there might be beer in this very apartment!
4. Run to the kitchen and get beer

If we don’t have any beer I start to kick the cabinets and break glasses. Alright not really but I would if I could. Nobody puts Joey in the corner.

Have you ever seen a dog when it sees another dog on TV? They start barking and trying to attack the TV. I’m like that. I see a beer on TV and I need one in me that very second. There’s no stopping it. Do I have a problem? Sure probably but in my tiny little turtle mind the real problem is that I might not have enough been to make me happy. It’s how I was programmed kids. Come to think of it all we watch now are those reality TV shows where housewives sit around and drink wine and complain about their saggy fun bags. Wine has no such effect on me. I think my wife is planning this. To the tractor pull!

So it’s been almost a month since I had my big epiphany about posting non-beer related things and for a solid three days I really kept up with it. As expected I got lazy and left you sitting around wondering what happened to your friend Joe. So in a attempt to keep you entertained I thought I’d tell you the story of when I saw the movie The Human Centipede: First Sequence. Watch close, there’s some beer included.

So as you all know I also do some writing over at Bloodygoodhorror.com and sit in on their weekly podcast. Well about a month ago I got a chance to step up to the plate and do a full on movie review. What’s more I was actually going to go to a private screening of the movie before it saw a release. The film was The Human Centipede: First Sequence. Now if you’re not familiar with the flick in short it’s about a German doctor who decides he wants to sow three people together ass to mouth. Yes you read correctly. So needless to say I had to get in the right state of mind to go check this out.

Now if you’re looking for a way to find the right  state of mind I can 100% tell you that slamming 6 beers and then heading to the theater is not the correct way to get it. But The Pony had their 1 year anniversary party on the same day as the screening and everyone who was a part of their All American club got open bar for 4 hours. I worked too god damn hard for that shirt to not get drunk for free so there was no way around it. And with 6 beers, about 12 wings and 3 sliders forced into my stomach in about an hour I headed off to check out the movie.

Now I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my day my friends and I’m willing to admit them.  And while I did enjoy the movie I would warn anyone who’s going to sit down and watch it to not I repeat NOT get hammered beforehand.  You don’t want to be sitting in a theater trying to pay attention to a guy sowing people’s asses while your bladder is being pressured by 6 pints worth of beer. At one point I had to get up and go to the mensroom and splash water in my face because I thought I was going to pass out. I’m not ashamed to admit it to you people and screw you for judging me. I spent the rest of the movie feeling like my head was going to explode I was so full of booze and confusion. Good times were had by all my friend, good times.

Check out my review of The Human Centipede: First Sequence here.

The little lady and I are big fans of the recent Discovery series “Life”. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the show it was a 10 part series that focused on the wonder and beauty of life. Meaning each episode they followed around a different animals and bugs with some super expensive cameras and made some really cool crap to watch in HD. Oh and Oprah narrated the entire thing. Each episode was pretty amazing but the one on birds really struck a chord. I learned that birds spend most of their time hunting, stealing, killing and generally f’ing with other animals. In short birds are really just natures assholes. I hate birds now after watching the show and in general I think we need to exterminate them all.

To drive home my point let me fill you in on my walk to the bus stop yesterday morning. I was strutting along minding my own business when I caught a small bird out of the corner of my eye. I looked at him, he looked at me and it was on. Without warning the bird swooped down and took a healthy scratch at my back pack. I wasn’t positive what had just happened but when I looked at the bird again, which was now on the other side of me it took another dive, just missing me. The bird was now floating around about 4 feet from me and had a look in it’s eyes like it wanted me dead. If you happened to be looking out your window in the town I live in at about 8 am in the morning you may have seen one of the funniest sights ever. A tall goofy looking man screaming “what the fuck!” at a small bird and running for his life. Luckily the little bastard wasn’t fast enough to keep up with me and I managed to escape. Don’t think he didn’t give it a shot though. I spent the rest of the morning petrified he had retreated back to gather his friends and make another charge at me. Someday I hope that fear that runs through me every time I hear a chirp will do away but for now I live in constant fear of those winged dick heads. They must be stopped.

So now that I’m a big time marathon runner the Mrs. and I have decided to join a gym. Alright we joined close to a year ago but we’re finally getting around to going regularly. Screw you for judging me. I’ve always hated going to the gym but I know it’s something I have to do in order to not be a sloppy bitch. It’s not the actual working out that I can’t stand. No I hate it because I hate giant men who can kick my ass looking at me like I’m a pussy who can only lift fifty pounds. I hate watching them go to a machine after I’ve used it and laughing at how much weight I had it set for. Then they high five their other giant friends and talk about how much better then me they are. Granted I’ve never seen this happen but I know they’re doing it. On top of that the 24 Hour Fitness that we go to is filled with the filthiest men I’ve ever seen. The men’s locker room is like a god damn war zone. There are towels everywhere, the showers are littered with empty bottles of shampoo and the men have no problem throwing their sweat filled shirts all over the benches. It drives me insane but we signed a year contract so we’re stuck there for a few more months.

Last night, shit went too far though. Way too far. While I was in the shower the guy in the stall next to me decided to do what I can only describe as a Midnight Express reenactment. He was pressed right up against the glass for reasons I can’t begin to understand and I saw every nook and cranny of his inner being. The only thing he didn’t do was tap on the glass and whisper “Oh Joey” to me. He was so close that his feet were actually sticking out under the glass divider and in my area. I almost puked on his big old hairy toes. I left the gym frightened and confused and I don’t think I ever want to go back. Now I know what it’s like to be in a Turkish prison.